Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Big 12 Golfers of the Month Named for March

April 9, 2008

IRVING, Texas -- Trent Leon (Oklahoma State) and Nacho Elvira (Texas A&M) has been named the Big 12 Men's Golfers of the Month while Pennapa Pulsawath (Iowa State) has been chosen as the Big 12 Women's Golfer of the Month for tournament play in the month of March, the conference office announced.

Trent Leon, Oklahoma State, Jr., Dallas, Texas
Leon recorded two top-20 finishes and fired three rounds below 70 during the month of March. The junior claimed his first career win at the U.S. Collegiate Championship with his three-round score of 8-under 208 (69-69-70). The honor marked his sixth career top-10 finish. Leon was named the Southern Golf Association's National Amateur of the Month following his victory. The Dallas, Texas native also tied for 17th at the Puerto Rico Classic.

Nacho Elvira, Texas A&M, Fr., Santander, Spain
Elvira earned three top-13 finishes including two top-six performances while shooting par or better in seven of nine rounds played in March. The freshman captured the individual title at the Barona Collegiate Cup with a 12-under 204 (67-71-66), just one stroke off the school record for 54 holes. He led his team to a first place finish and received National Player of the Week honors from Golfweek and Golf World. Elvira tied for sixth at the U.S. Collegiate Championship with a one-under 215 and opened up the month with a tie for 13th at the Southern Highlands Collegiate.

Conference USA Player of the Week

MEN'S GOLFER OF THE WEEK
KELLY KRAFT - SMU
Fr., Denton, Texas (Ryan)
Kraft continued his strong freshman run, finishing second at 3-under 210 at the 2008 Diet Pepsi Shocker Golf Classic at the par-71 Wichita Country Club. Kraft carded rounds of 69, 69 and 72. As a team, SMU finished second to host Wichita State. The weekly honor is the second of Kraft's young career (Mar. 12).